


Can't Be Saved

by jisungtinydick



Series: Some people just can't be saved [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, specifically derealisation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:33:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28046994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisungtinydick/pseuds/jisungtinydick
Summary: He’s not happy, but he’s not sad - it had been months since Jeonghan last felt anything at all.
Series: Some people just can't be saved [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2091705
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	Can't Be Saved

Ever since Jeonghan can remember, his dad would tell him that the stars are beautiful. When he asked why he only has one grandad, he was told the other had died and become a star glittering above. He knows now that probably isn’t true, but it had stuck with him forever.

Now it’s his turn to grow into his own star.

His belief that he’ll actually be reborn lightyears away and manage to illuminate the dark night from so far is almost as weak as his weathered body, but at least it’s there. If he escapes his mind and wakes up tomorrow knowing his only purpose is to light up the gloom he had left everyone else in, he won’t complain.

All the questions everyone had been asking just forced this closer and closer; the constant reminder that he was slipping from the worlds grasp just made him take the choice to dive headfirst away from it. Whenever some stranger on the other end of the phone told him to _“rate your mood from 0-10, 0 being the worst and 10 being the best”_ , he would say _“I’m not really sure, maybe a 7?”_ and then after lying straight through his teeth, slice through his skin gleefully and watch with awe as crimson gushed down the side of his thigh, anxious to get away from him.

Jeonghan likes to draw. It just so happened that his favourite canvas is his own body and that his favourite brushes are blades. His drawings are scattered all over his thighs, intricate sketches of crying faces and perhaps he had even carved the word _“DIE”_ on multiple occasions, just to play into his role of suicidal psychopath. One time, he had cut over and over again in the same place and it just wouldn’t stop bleeding, so he’d stuck a plaster on so it wouldn’t soak through his jeans – the visual of his red and destroyed thigh with one small bandage in the middle had made him giggle manically, so he supposes it’s not really an act.

He knows that the people around him want him to get better but they don’t seem to understand that _he_ doesn’t want to. He’s content in thinking nothing has any real purpose or nothing he does will have any real consequences; there’s so little stress weighing him down anymore and he doesn’t feel sad when he looks at how terribly he’s done in a recording or variety show, because none of it _matters_. When another member walks away after he’s screamed something awfully hurtful that audibly crumbles their heart, he never feels regret. It’s not real. They’re not real.

The only way he can describe it is he feels like each day is just a never-ending dream. He can do whatever the fuck he wants and if the company gets mad at him, then _so what_? He always zones out the moment they start yelling at him, faces furious as they shout words that never even reach his ears. All that happens is he gets punished for a bit until he waltzes right out the front door when the others fall asleep.

It’s not like the carats are real either, nobody could actually be a fan of _him_. When this whole ‘problem’ became glaringly evident to the managers, they had hastily decided to announce his hiatus from promoting with Seventeen, rushing him to get any sort of therapy possible to fix whatever went wrong with him so he wouldn’t affect the group’s image with his rash decisions. He was never truthful in any of the sessions he’d attended and he was pretty good at acting like he didn’t have a suicide plan ready at his fingertips when he’d had enough of playing this little game.

Medication had no impact on his mood or thoughts, only emphasising how _nothing’s real_. When he had told them he didn’t feel any different after months on whatever pink tablet he’d been given, they just kept upping the doses. All that work had led him to right now, alone in the dorm while his 12 members are off pointlessly recording another Going Seventeen episode, letting him stare at the small box filled with 20mg and 50mg little capsules.

Sure, he’s had fun playing around in his world the past few months but the loneliness was bound to catch up with him. He’s the only one in the entire world that actually exists and it’s rather exhausting waking up every morning just for a day of fuckery spent _all alone_. He had once felt something warm when Jisoo would talk to him, he had once thought the younger was a real being, but now he can only stare blankly every time the boy would attempt to start cute banter with him, his eyes glassing over with tears when he would get no response.

In case Jeonghan truly has lost his mind and it turns out the world won’t cease to exist after he swallows down the hundreds of pills scattered before him, he opens his drawer to pick out the note he’d written three nights back. If his members have feelings, that means he’s walked all over them without a care and somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows he’ll hate himself forever if that’s what he’s done. He says sorry in this letter more times than he did when he kept fucking up during the recording of Adore U in their trainee days, so hopefully that makes up for at least some of it all.

 _Sometimes people just can’t be saved_ is what he would tell himself before falling asleep with his thighs burning in agony against the rough material of his pyjamas. It’s what he wrote to his members as a goodbye and it’s what he whispers out loud as he lays down the neatly folded envelope on his duvet. By the time anyone had realised there was something off with him, he had already run so far away that nobody had any chance of reaching out to pull him back. He thinks it’s okay that he’s given up and maybe everyone else just needs to understand that he’s not in _pain_ , per se, just tired.

Yes, every now and then he has his panic attacks and his crying sessions as he’s curled up in a ball on the floor, but most of his days are spent just feeling numb. He’s not happy, but he’s not sad - it had been months since Jeonghan last felt anything at all. Even at the start, when he’d tried to mask his feelings (or lack thereof), hearing his members laugh or cry didn’t spark anything in him anymore, and he would stand quietly in the back, not moving to comfort them or join in with the teasing like he normally would have.

He hasn’t been motivated in the slightest the past two weeks, using all his energy to force himself to put actual effort into this letter. He’d perfected his handwriting as much as he could, and there’s a page dedicated to each member as well as one for the group and managers as a whole. Something in his stomach starts churning, and he feels like he’s going to be sick. Except he can’t, because he hasn’t had solid food in days – he doesn’t need it.

Oh God, _Seungcheol_. He’d gone through so much shit this year and Jeonghan had been there to see all his panic attacks and to calm his anxiety down when the pressures of being a leader became way too much for him. Out of everyone in the group, if anyone was real like Jeonghan, it was Seungcheol. Jeonghan hopes whoever finds him first isn’t their leader, he doesn’t want to put him through pain like that.

It almost makes him pick up his phone and call him, maybe ask for help, but Jeonghan isn’t dependant on other people. Ignoring how his mind is screaming at him to not go through with this, ignoring how he’s actually feeling _something_ for the first time in absolutely ages, he grabs the sides of the small box and pours all the tiny tablets into his mouth. He chugs the water he’d placed next to him and he swallows.

At first, nothing happens.

Then, he’s seeing three of everything and the screams he’d been trying to block out earlier become too loud and he yanks on his hair, trying to shut them up. All sense has disappeared from his brain as he tumbles his way through the flat, footsteps echoing around him, strangling him. He throws up a couple of times and his throat is on fire and his cheeks are covered with red lines from where he’s been scratching at his face.

It’s taking too much energy to keep his eyes open, so as he lies down, he glances at the framed picture of the group on the set of Adore U. He finds himself jealous of the young Jeonghan staring back at him, eyes shining and lips stretched in a pure smile. Then, his eyes glue shut and he hears ringing in the back of his head before he hears nothing at all.


End file.
